WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
By Brigid Martin
SETTING: a high school.
TIME: present day.
*CHARACTERS:
MEL: a bright, enthusiastic teenage girl. Doesn’t think before she acts. Female, 16-17 years old, any ethnicity.
RILEY: Mel’s voice of reason. He doesn’t do a very good job. Male, teenager, 16-17 years old, any ethnicity.
MOLLY: always down for a challenge. Female, 16-17 years old, any ethnicity.
MITCH: that cool emo kid. Male, 17-18 years old, any ethnicity.
ELMER: He’s Elmer. Male, 14-16 years old, any ethnicity.
RANDY: the drama queen. Male, 15-17 years old, any ethnicity.
‘RITNEY: slightly less of a drama queen. Female, 15-17 years old, any ethnicity.
STAGE MANAGER: what it says on the tin. Teenage, any gender, any ethnicity.
PROJECT SHIPWRECKED: a group of recorder players. They can be made up of the actors, or pulled from extras.
*Character attributes do not dictate actor attributes. All casting is flexible.
NOTES:
This is a play about a band, but instruments may or may not be used, depending on your stage space. In fact, it might be funnier to just have the actors make bad sound effects with their mouths, and play air instruments.
SCENE ONE
MEL
RILEY RILEY RILEY RILEY RILEY RILEY RILEY RILEY—
RILEY
I’m right here.
MEL
Riley oh my god, okay, so–
RILEY
No.
MEL
No?
RILEY
No.
MEL
… no?
RILEY
I’m not doing it.
MEL
I haven’t even asked you to do anything yet! I am insulted by the very idea that I was coming to ask you to do something for me. I’m not that codependent, you know.
RILEY
Then what is it?
MEL
Um… I need you to do something for me.
RILEY
See?
MEL
Fine. You know me better than I know myself. I get it. Now listen, this is important.
RILEY
More important than me getting to gym class on time?
MEL
Obviously.
RIILEY
What is it? And before you say anything, I’m telling you right now, if it has to do with waterparks, Zumba, or babysitting alligators, then my answer is going to be no.
MEL
Those are very specific events that are never going to happen again.
RILEY
That’s what you said after the first time with the alligators.
MEL
I’ll admit that we may have had a few escapades that got slightly out of hand, but this is actually really really REALLY important, and could change our lives forever, and…
RILEY
… and?
MEL
… and if you don’t help me I may end up becoming the laughingstock of the school. Also, I might die.
RILEY
Mel…
MEL
I said might!
RILEY
Is this like, a real thing that is happening in real life?
MEL
The problem is. The death part… probably not. But we can come back to that later. Right now, I need your help.
RILEY
I’m NOT saying that I will help you, but I’m also not saying that I won’t.
MEL
Riles! You’re the best!
RILEY
You can thank me later. What exactly did you do this time?
MEL
Well, you see, a long time ago… like fifteen minutes… in the lunchroom…
RILEY
What are you doing?
MEL
(whispering)
Having a dramatic flashback.
RILEY
Oh my god. Mel, can you cut the dramatics for once and just tell me what happened? If I’m not out warming up by the time the bell rings, Coach is going to make me run suicides, and the last time that happened, I left my will to live somewhere in the bleachers.
MEL
Now who’s being dramatic? Okay, okay, fine. I was eating lunch, and Randy and ‘Ritney–
RILEY
Who’s “Randy and ‘Ritney”?
MEL
Formerly Randall Bellhop and Brittney Costello. Randy and ‘Ritney are their stage names.
RILEY
Stage names?
MEL
It’s a thing that actors do when their names don’t sound star worthy. Like, my stage name is either going to be Melody Diamonds or Sabrina Spangles, I haven’t quite decided yet–
RILEY
I know what a stage name is! I mean, why do Randall and–excuse me, Randy and ‘Ritney–need stage names?
MEL
They’re in a band now, and “Randy and ‘Ritney” is a much better band name than “Randall and Brittney”.
RILEY
I’m going to ignore how stupid that is for a minute. Continue.
MEL
They said they have this band. And I said, “No way.” And they said, “Yeah way.” And I said, “no WAY.” And they said–
RILEY
MEL!
MEL
No, they didn’t say that. But anyway, Randy started bragging about how they were going to win the talent show, and that they’ll be cast as the leads in the spring musical, and, well, that role is mine, everyone knows it is, so… um…
RILEY
What?
MEL
I kind of told them that I was in a band too. And bet that we could beat them in the talent show.
RILEY
Mel, oh my god.
MEL
What? I could be in a band.
RILEY
No, you couldn’t. For one, you don’t have a band. For another, you don’t know how to play anything.
MEL
Yes, I do.
RILEY
What?
MEL
Um… the kazoo.
RILEY
The kazoo.
MEL
And we learned how to play the recorder!
RILEY
In the fourth grade!
MEL
I was very good at it!
RILEY
We only knew three songs!
MEL
And my rendition of “Hot Cross Buns” was outstanding.
RILEY
You can’t play the recorder in a band.
MEL
Are you a band expert now?
RILEY
No, I’m an expert in not making yourself look like an idiot in front of everyone.
MEL
I’ve never made myself look like an idiot!
RILEY
Once, you missed first period for a dentist appointment and said it was because you had to go to Washington to meet the president.
MEL
That’s called embellishing the situation.
RILEY
Who did you think was going to believe that?
MEL
Are you going to help me or not?
RILEY
Am I going to regret it?
MEL
When have you ever regretted anything we’ve done together?
RILEY
You also said that after the first time with the alligators.
MEL
Okay, forget about babysitting alligators. Ooh, that’s a good band name… “Babysitting Alligators”…
RILEY
No.
MEL
What?
RILEY
I already told you, I’m having nothing to do with alligators.
MEL
But–
RILEY
Nothing.
MEL
Fine. No alligators.
RILEY
Good. What’s the plan?
MEL
Yeah, um, I hadn’t quite gotten that far.
RILEY
Are you kidding me?
MEL
I had other things to worry about!
RILEY
Like what?
MEL
Like finding you, mainly.
RILEY
So, you bet Randy and… uh, ‘Ritney, that you could beat them in a talent show, without even thinking about how you were going to do it?
MEL
Riley, my reputation was on the line!
RILEY
And what happens if you lose said bet?
MEL
Then I don’t audition for the spring musical.
RILEY
Mel, that part means the world to you.
MEL
Don’t you think I know that?
RILEY
But you didn’t think of that before you agreed to this?
MEL
What was I supposed to do? Just let Randy and ‘Ritney insinuate that they are better singers than I am?
RILEY
YES.
MEL
Riley, the politics of drama club are very precise. If you show any weakness… (She claps her hands together loudly, startling RILEY). BAM. They’ll eat you alive.
RILEY
They can’t be that bad.
MEL
You remember the musical last year?
RILEY
What about it?
MEL
I’ll just say that the fake blood wasn’t all fake.
RILEY
Oh my god.
MEL
And do you know the number of times I’ve been stabbed with pins during costume fittings? And the glares that people send you during auditions… Drama club is not for the faint of heart.
RILEY
You’re telling me.
MEL
So… will you help me out? I’ll be your best friend.
RILEY
Mel, you’re already my best friend. I honestly don’t know how you’d survive without me.
MEL
I probably wouldn’t.
RILEY
That’s for sure. Okay. Biggest problem: what do we need to actually have a band?
MEL
A guitar player, a drummer, and a lead singer, for starters.
RILEY
You know anyone who can do that?
MOLLY
(from offstage)
I do!
MEL
Jiminy Crickets, Molly, how long have you been in there?
MOLLY
Since lunch started.
RILEY
You know this is the boys’ locker room, right?
MOLLY
The acoustics are better in here.
RILEY
In a locker?
MOLLY
No, the locker is just where I go to think.
RILEY
About what?
MOLLY
Supernatural fanfiction, mainly.
RILEY
I’m sorry I asked.
MEL
What did you mean by acoustics?
MOLLY
Oh, the orchestra kids come in here to practice a lot. The tiles are much better for sound than the hallway, and the girls’ locker room has mold in the showers.
MEL
Ew.
RILEY
Weren’t you guys supposed to get a new orchestra room like, five years ago?
MOLLY
Yes, but then the football team needed new uniforms. But they said that they’re working on it! We should have a brand new Fine Arts wing within the next twenty years!
RILEY
That’s encouraging.
MOLLY
So… I heard you guys were looking for a drummer?
MEL
You play the drums?
MOLLY
That’s ridiculous. I play cello.
MEL
Oh.
MOLLY
But I know where we can find a drummer!
MEL
Oh!
RILEY
That’s great. One down, at least two to go.
MEL
More like two down.
RILEY
What?
MEL
I mean, we’ve already got a lead singer.
RILEY
Who?
MEL
You, of course.
RILEY
ME???
MEL
You can sing!
RILEY
A little, but–
MEL
You’re in choir.
RILEY
Because I need the credit. Besides, that’s choir. It’s completely different from singing a solo.
MEL
Oh, come on! You sing in the shower all the time!
RILEY
How do you know that?
MEL
I’ve heard you.
RILEY
Okay, let me rephrase that: why have you been in hearing range of me while I’m in the shower???
MEL
Your mom lets me in most of the time. But your room is really boring, so I mostly just wait downstairs. I’ve heard you sing “Wrecking Ball” in there like fifty times, so believe me, I know–
RILEY
I think that’s one of the worst things you’ve ever told me.
MEL
You said that after the first time with the alligators.
MOLLY
Alligators?
RILEY
It’s a long story.
MEL
No time for alligators now, Riley! We need to go find this drummer of Molly’s! Wait a minute…
MOLLY
What?
MEL
You play cello!
MOLLY
Yes.
MEL
That’s practically like a guitar, right?
MOLLY
No! The timbre and stringing is completely different, not to mention the dexterity necessary to play a cello is a fine motor skill that must be honed through years of hard work and–
MEL
Oh, you can do it!
RILEY
Okay, let’s say this actually works. Didn’t you tell Randy and ‘Ritney that you were in the band, Mel?
MEL
Yeah.
RILEY
So what exactly are you planning to do?
MEL
Recorder!
RILEY
No!
END SCENE ONE
SCENE TWO
MITCH
NO. No way. I’m not going to drum in a band.
MEL
Where else would you drum?
MITCH
I have better things to do.
MOLLY
You literally don’t do anything!
MITCH
Not true. I do plenty of things.
MOLLY
Like what?
MITCH
I’m an artist.
MOLLY
You are?
MITCH
Yes.
MOLLY
What?
MITCH
I work at Subway.
MOLLY
A sandwich artist is not a real artist!
RILEY
(aside, to MEL)
How do they know each other?
MEL
I think they’re cousins.
MITCH
I’m serious. I’m not going to waste my time on some dumb pretend band. I’m not that kind of drummer.
MOLLY
Then what kind of drummer are you? You’ve beat me in every single game of Rock Band that we’ve ever played.
MITCH
That’s because you spend all of your time complaining about the lack of realism on the instruments.
MOLLY
Because they look nothing like real instruments!
MITCH
It’s a video game. That’s kind of the point.
MOLLY
Look. You are going to play the drums in this band, or I’m going to tell everyone that you still sleep with a Thomas the Tank Engine nightlight.
MITCH
… you wouldn’t.
MOLLY
Try me. We’ll see if your bad boy persona survives after that little piece of information gets out there.
MITCH
Okay. I’ll do it. Geez.
MEL
Perfect! We’re almost there!
RILEY
I don’t know who else we could possibly rope into doing this.
MEL
Hey! Elmer! You can play piano, right?
ELMER
I can play the first five chords of Hallelujah from Shrek.
MEL
Good enough for me. You wanna be in a band?
ELMER
Yeah.
MEL
It’ll be fun, and you’ll be able to–wait, did you say you’ll do it?
ELMER
My mom says that colleges like a variety of extracurricular activities.
RANDY
And now… the stars of your lives… ME!
‘RITNEY
And me!
RILEY
What do you want?
RANDY
Just to see how long it would take Mel here to give up on the talent show.
MEL
For your information, I’m not giving up. I told you I have a band, and here they are!
RANDY
You can’t be serious.
MEL
As the threat of nuclear war.
RILEY
That doesn’t seem like an appropriate analogy.
‘RITNEY
What’s your band name?
MEL
What?
‘RITNEY
Your band name. You have to have a band name, or you’re not a real band.
RANDY
Like us. We’re a real band.
RILEY
Your band name is just your names. That’s not creative.
RANDY
Creativity doesn’t matter when you’re a real artist.
MOLLY
That’s… not how that works.
‘RITNEY
All Randy and I need are our voices and each other!
RANDY
All I need is my name in lights!
MEL
All you need is some humility.
MITCH
Or to shut up.
RANDY
You can say that now, but once you hear us sing, you’ll be begging us to keep our mouths open forever! We are going to… dazzle!
RILEY
Please stop talking.
RANDY
You’re right! Why should we talk… when we can… SING!
MEL
… Well, just you wait, cause we’re going to–they’re gone, aren’t they?
RILEY
Yeah.
MEL
Okay. That’s it. They want a band, we’ll give them a band. All of you, my house, after school. We’ll show them!
END SCENE TWO
SCENE THREE
MEL
Day One of Mel’s Band Bootcamp. I expect all participants to be here at four pm sharp every day after school–
MOLLY
No way. I have national honors society.
RILEY
And I have work.
MITCH
I have better things to do.
ELMER
I can come!
MEL
Thank you, Elmer. Do you guys want to win the talent show or not?
RILEY
To be fair, no. You’re the one who wants to win it.
MEL
Don’t tell me what I want! You guys agreed to do this, and so we’re going to put the work in.
RILEY
What exactly are you doing in the band again?
MEL
I’m the manager?
RILEY
The manager.
MEL
I could also do backup vocals I guess. Or–
RILEY
You’re not playing the recorder.
MEL
Okay, we’ll put a pin in that discussion for now–
RILEY
It’s not happening.
MEL
ANYWAY. Let’s just run through the song. Elmer, you ready?
ELMER
I’m googling the piano chords.
MEL
Sure. Mitch?
MITCH
If I have to sit at this drum set for one more second without hitting it, I’m gonna hit Elmer.
ELMER
Hey!
MOLLY
Mel, I still don’t think you realize the difference between a cello and a guitar–
MEL
You’ll figure it out. Riley?
RILEY
I would like to make a motion to have me NOT sing–
MEL
Okay, the first hit of the Raging Rockers, take one!
CUT! CUT! STOP!
MEL, CONT.
I’m not sure how to put this lightly… but you guys suck.
MITCH
And that’s surprising to… who, exactly?
MOLLY
Whom.
MITCH
Does it matter?
MOLLY
Well, I mean, technically yes. If you consider the years of evolution that has gone into the English language–
MEL
Not the point! Why didn’t you guys tell me that you were bad?
RILEY
I’m pretty sure we all told you.
ELMER
I didn’t!
MEL
See? Elmer believes in us!
MITCH
Elmer also played like one note that entire time.
ELMER
I’m exercising caution. I don’t want to wear out my talent too early.
MEL
Talent? What talent? All I see here is a bunch of dweebs with instruments who don’t know what they’re doing! You guys are supposed to be good!
RILEY
According to who?
MOLLY
Whom. And I’ll have you know that I have been second-chair cello for the past three years.
ELMER
I got a participation ribbon in the talent show in third grade for piano. I played “Ode to Joy”. My mom videotaped it if you guys want to see.
MITCH
That’s it. I’m hitting Elmer.
MEL
Look. This is just really important to me. And I think, deep down, this is really important to you guys too.
MITCH
Not really.
RILEY
Mitch has a point. I mean, you’re important to me, you’re my friend. But the whole band thing just isn’t that well thought-out.
MEL
It’s not my worst idea ever.
RILEY
No, but you’ve had some pretty bad ideas.
MEL
What should I do then? I can’t go up there by myself, Randy and ‘Ritney will know I lied. And if you guys aren’t willing to do this–
MOLLY
Hey. We agreed to help you out, didn’t we?
RILEY
We’re not just going to abandon you. I’m just saying, maybe you should be prepared for us… y’know, to not win.
MOLLY
Or maybe we will! Like you said, we’re all good at… well, I’m sure we’re all good at something.
ELMER
(from where MITCH has put him in a headlock)
My mom says I’m good at making friends!
RILEY
I’m still not thrilled, but we’re not going to leave you hanging. That’s not the kind of friends we are.
MITCH
Speak for yourself.
MOLLY
Mitch is staying too, aren’t you?
MITCH
What’s making me?
MOLLY
Do you want me to tell Aunt Karen what really happened to her wiener dog teapot?
MITCH
I’ll stay.
MOLLY
And stop digging your drumsticks into Elmer’s armpit?
ELMER
I’m fine, really, it doesn’t even hURT–(he yelps as MITCH jabs him harder).
MITCH
(poking ELMER one last time)
Yeah, whatever.
MEL
You guys are the greatest, you know that?
RILEY
You can thank us once this is over.
MOLLY
If we want a chance at winning this thing, then we’d better get to work.
RILEY
How in the world are we supposed to get ready in time? We have, like, a week.
MEL
I know! MONTAGE!
END SCENE THREE
SCENE FOUR
MEL
Now that’s what I call a montage.
RILEY
I didn’t expect that to actually work. Do you think we’re ready?
ELMER
I am! My mom says that practice makes perfect!
MITCH
Dude, shut up, or I’m going to do a montage of my fist in your face.
ELMER
Shutting up.
RILEY
Well, ready or not…
MEL
… here we come.
ELMER
Ooh! Are we playing hide and seek now?
END SCENE FOUR
SCENE FIVE
RANDY
Here we are. Everything in our lives has led up to this moment. The most important moment we shall ever experience. The moment where we cease to be Randall and Brittney, and become… Randy and ‘Ritney. We will shine. We will sparkle. We will… dazzle!
‘RITNEY
I still think it should be ‘Ritney and Randy.
RANDY
Alphabetical order sounds better, sweetie. If you’re going to be a star with me, then you’ll have to learn to let the real talent shine forth.
‘RITNEY
Real talent?
RANDY
Exactly. Let’s go through it again, ready–?
RILEY
I can’t believe you made me babysit alligators. Again.
MEL
What were we supposed to do? Just leave them there without supervision?
RILEY
I still don’t think that dressing up like an alligator helped that much.
MEL
It made them feel safe! You were their alligator mom! Besides, you needed a band costume.
RILEY
This wasn’t what I had in mind.
RANDY
Melanie! It’s so good to see you, and your… what was your name again?
MEL
Motley Crew.
RANDY
The Who?
RILEY
Both of those are actual bands.
‘RITNEY
Where is the rest of them?
MEL
That’s a fair question actually.
MITCH
I’m not doing it.
MOLLY
Get up, or I will make you.
ELMER
Come on, it’ll be fun!
MITCH
I’m not wearing it.
MOLLY
You have to.
MITCH
I hate everything.
MOLLY
Yeah, yeah, we know. Now put it on.
MOLLY
See! You look great!
MITCH
I’m going to light myself on fire.
RANDY
Well, well, well… a band of animals! How fitting!
‘RITNEY
We ‘herd’ that you guys were pretty good.
MEL
Really?
‘RITNEY
Yeah! Good at LOSING!
RILEY
If only we were competing in insults.
RANDY
That would be too easy. ‘Ritney and I like a competition.
MOLLY
Wait, you guys call each other Randy and ‘Ritney?
‘RITNEY
It’s important to keep up an image. We are basically famous, you know. We have to give our public what they want. We have to… dazzle!
MITCH
I’m gonna go throw up.
RANDY
You’d better. There won’t be a place onstage, when that stage fright kicks in and makes you all look ridiculous.
‘RITNEY
Speaking of onstage, it’s time for us to… dazzle!
RANDY
Ta-ta, losers.
MEL
… Oh, yeah, why don’t you go and ‘dazzle’… they’re gone.
MITCH
I changed my mind. Elmer is now not the most annoying person I’ve ever met.
RILEY
I’m actually looking forward to wiping the floor with them.
MEL
What if they’re right, though? What if we aren’t good enough?
MOLLY
Mel, you can’t give up now! We’ve all worked so hard, and we’ve gotten pretty good. We can do it.
RILEY
No one wants that part in the musical more than you do, and you’ve shown that by how hard you’ve worked with us. We’ve got this. We just have to go onstage and show them what we’re made of.
MEL
You’re right. We may be the underdogs, but that’s a good thing… isn’t it?
MITCH
Depends on what movie you’re watching.
STAGE MANAGER
Okay, next is… I don’t actually have anything written down here.
RILEY
Mel, did you ever actually submit a band name for us?
MEL
Oops.
STAGE MANAGER
Well, you guys are up, so it’s a little too late for that.
MITCH
If we don’t have a band name that has to do with animals, then why are we wearing these stupid costumes?
MEL
You heard the man! We’ve gotta go! No time for questions!
RANDY
That. Was. Exhilarating.
‘RITNEY
Good luck out there, Melanie. Though I don’t think you’ll need it…
MOLLY
That’s actually kind of nice of you, Brittney.
‘RITNEY
…Because there is no way that you’ll beat us!
RANDY
Because we are Randy and ‘Ritney! And we…
RANDY and ‘RITNEY
DAZZLE!
MEL
That’s it. They think I’m just going to roll over and let them take those parts? Well, they can think again! Let’s go, guys!
LIGHTS OUT.
END SCENE FIVE.
SCENE SIX
RILEY
I don’t believe it.
MEL
We lost.
RANDY
Well, of course you lost! You guys weren’t good.
RILEY
As much as I hate to admit it, Randy is right.
ELMER
But we did a montage!
MOLLY
Montages don’t help if you start just mashing the piano keys halfway through the song because you forgot the chords, Elmer.
ELMER
Well, maybe if Mitch hadn’t snapped both of his drumsticks in half–
MITCH
I was going hard, which is more than I can say for Riley over there.
RILEY
Um, we were playing a ballad. My singing was supposed to be soulful.
MEL
It doesn’t matter. We lost.
‘RITNEY
And you lost our bet! You can’t audition for the spring musical, which means I’ll get the leading role!
RILEY
Actually, that’s not technically true.
RANDY, ‘RITNEY, and MEL
It’s not?
RILEY
As I was told, you guys bet Mel that you could beat her band in the talent show, and if you did, she wouldn’t audition for the musical.
RANDY
Exactly. And she didn’t win.
RILEY
But neither did you. So technically, you guys are in the same place. Neither of you beat each other.
‘RITNEY
I hate to admit it, but he’s right.
RANDY
Curse these loopholes! You may have won this time, Melanie… but I can assure you, I’ll be back… and that role will be mine! And I will… DAZZLE!
MEL
Do you think he knows that we wouldn’t be up for any of the same parts?
MOLLY
Honestly, with Randy, I’m not really sure.
MEL
Thanks, Riles. I don’t know what I would have done without you.
RILEY
You said that after the time with the alligators.
MEL
It’s true everytime.
MITCH
… and this just got disgusting. Later.
ELMER
Mitch! When are we gonna hang out again? Do you wanna eat lunch together tomorrow? Do you want to come to my house? Can I come over to your house? I learned this great new card game from my grandma, we can play it together–
MITCH
NO, ELMER.
ELMER
Aw, dude, c’mon! It’ll be fun, I promise!
MOLLY
Well, this was fun, you guys, but I’ve got to get back to work. Those scholarship applications aren’t going to fill out themselves!
RILEY
Molly, you’re a sophomore.
MOLLY
Success can never start too early.
MEL
Seriously. Thanks.
RILEY
Don’t worry about it. I’ll always be ready to do crazy things with you, Mel.
MEL
Even with alligators?
RILEY
Even with alligators.
MEL
Wait a minute… who did win the talent show?
RILEY
I think it was something called… “Project Shipwrecked?”
MEL
What the heck is that?
MEL
I told you recorders were a good idea!
LIGHTS OUT
END OF PLAY
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